The Missing Peace

One Sunday morning about 2 years ago, life as I knew it changed dramatically.

Jeff, my (then) fiance, was knocking at the door to wake me up. When I looked into his eyes, my heart sank. Whatever he was about to tell me wasn’t good. He had the sad duty of telling me my mom was in the hospital…and it didn’t look promising.

Sheer panic set in. A groan emitted from my mouth that I will never forget. It was the sound of a daughter knowing that she was about to lose her mother. My mind was overwhelmed, and I couldn’t even get dressed. Jeff stopped me and pulled me to him. He assured me I wasn’t alone. We were about to face our first tragedy together. He had to live his vows before he even spoke them.

I never had the chance to speak with my mother. We let her go the next afternoon after the doctors confirmed there wasn’t any possibility she would wake up. In the room as she took her last breath, it was surreal. The color leaving her cheeks, the warmth leaving her hands…but ironically, there was this peace. I knew that she was about to lay her eyes on Jesus. That every pain she had felt, every fear she had felt, and every tear she had cried was about to be gone, forever.

Waking up to the reality she was gone was numbing. I let myself cry hard & scream loud. The Lord gave me peace, but that didn’t replace the piece that was missing. I slowly started emerging back into the world, into my life. Fragile and confused, I faced everyday with a teary smile.

The first 6 months were the most difficult. Facing the holidays and birthdays were always hard. My wedding day wasn’t as hard as I expected it to be. I was at peace that day. The realization that mother wouldn’t be there to see me marry the love of my life hurt, but I knew that God would let her have a sneak peek. She probably sees my whole journey ahead of me!  (only He knows)…

One thought that made my heart cave in was that she wouldn’t see me become a mother. But the Lord gave me peace about that..she may not physically be next to me…but He will be.

One day we will be reunited, and look back on our lives in amazement of how God worked everything together…for the good of those that love Him.

Matthew 5:4 “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.”

Revelation 21:4 “He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”


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